That being said, I’ve subjected myself to a few stinkers this week. Unfortunately, both co-starred Toni Collette, one of my favorite actresses.

Below are brief reviews of the two movies I could barely sit through, followed by an open letter to the very talented Ms. Collette.

THE DEAD GIRL
Look at this cast: Josh Brolin, Rose Byrne, Toni Collette, Bruce Davison, James Franco, Marcia Gay Harden, Mary Beth Hurt, Piper Laurie, Brittany Murphy, Giovanni Ribisi, Mary Steenburgen, Kerry Washington. And yet…the film itself is so disappointing. I can see why each of these actors signed on; the concept was interesting and dark, but the execution was slow and bland.

THE NIGHT LISTENER
I find it hard to believe that the same man who wrote Tales of the City also penned the novel and adapted the screenplay for this clunker (Armistead Maupin). Let’s be honest,  Robin Williams hasn’t been good (or appeared in) a good movie since Good Will Hunting. And that was ten years ago. Anyway, this film is a very slow and poor cousin to most psychological thrillers, and fails miserably in almost all categories (acting, pacing, dialogue, cinematography).

So…

Dear Toni Collette,

I am a big fan. You have amazing range, capable of transforming before our eyes from one film to the next. You’ve made great choices. Until recently.

Aside from a few questionable career moves (Shaft & Changing Lanes), you seem to choose your roles quite wisely. You were brilliant in Muriel’s Wedding, and The Sixth Sense really put you on everyone’s radar (that Best Supporting Actress nod was well-deserved). Your brief appearance in The Hours was very impactful and memorable, About a Boy was great, and Connie and Carla was a pretty decent little comedy. You even made In Her Shoes tolerable, outshining the overrated Cameron Diaz by a mile. And you could do no wrong in Little Miss Sunshine.

So I have to ask…what were you thinking when you signed on to The Dead Girl and The Night Listener? Seriously, both were pretty unwatchable. I’m sure that on paper, both films seemed appealing, with good casts and intriguing scripts. But did you really feel, at any point during filming, that either of these scripts would translate well on the big screen and/or be commercially appealing?

Here’s the good news – I will continue to see every movie you’re in. I know there is an Academy Award in your future. And you’re not alone in the Great Actresses Who’ve Made Crappy Movies category; 14-time Oscar nominee Meryl Streep made She-Devil, for crying out loud.  

Based on the eyebrows alone, I think it’s a homerun.

Knowing that Steven Spielberg was the Executive Producer of this movie gave me hope as I settled in to watch it last night. False hope, as it turned out.

Let me preface this review by stating that I do enjoy blockbusters and am a huge fan of comic adaptations. And I have seen/been entertained by most of Michael Bay’s films. My favorite was The Island, his last effort and the least popular among the many hits (Bad Boys, The Rock).

I will start with the very few positive points that I walked away with after seeing Transformers. Shia LaBeouf was surprisingly good. He has certainly earned the amount of hype that has all but dubbed him the It Boy of 07. I liked him in Constantine and I, Robot, but was unsure about his ability to carry such an action-packed film. Of course now he’s filming Indiana Jones 4 right now, so he’s well on his way. And the special effects were pretty good…but not jaw-dropping or groundbreaking. Frankly, I was more impressed with The Matrix Reloaded, and that was filmed five years ago.

Overall, Transformers was absolutely formulaic and cheesy (to the point where I was predicting what the characters were about to say and do with great accuracy). I don’t have high expectations for dialogue when it comes to action/adventure films, but this might take the cake and win Worst Script of the Year (which is quite a shame considering that the two screenwriters are Alias alum and are also co-writing J.J. Abrams’ new Star Trek film). Additionally (and I know some filmmakers feel this is a necessary evil with regard to target audience and demographic), there were far too many unnecessary and gratuitous slow-motion shots of female characters. While there is plenty of eye-candy for the ladies (Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson), we certainly don’t see them rolling around the desert sand in their boxer briefs while battling the metallic scorpion.

And honestly, at various points during the movie, I found myself thinking “there’s his John Woo shot” or “that’s straight out of Superman.” From the stereotypical hot-girl-with-jerk-boyfriend-ignores-geek-until-he-saves-her (the wooden Megan Fox) to the funny-sidekick-friend-who-helps-save-the-day (Anthony Anderson, making the best of his brief yet scene-stealing role), I was alternating between covering and rolling my eyes.

You know what would have made Transformers an entirely different and better film? If the Transformers didn’t speak. I know – that would have royally pissed off the dedicated loyalists who have loved them since ’84 (just as making Bumblebee a Camaro rather than a Beetle had the fanboys up in arms).  But the opening narration, speech and delivery from all Autobots and Decepticons was painful.  Look, I like many guilty-pleasure movies and can take schmaltz and cheese in moderation (I was an extra for one season on The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers back in 1994 for crying out loud). But Transformers was dreadful and had me watching the clock and the doors for my escape from the opening sequence.