Knowing that Steven Spielberg was the Executive Producer of this movie gave me hope as I settled in to watch it last night. False hope, as it turned out.

Let me preface this review by stating that I do enjoy blockbusters and am a huge fan of comic adaptations. And I have seen/been entertained by most of Michael Bay’s films. My favorite was The Island, his last effort and the least popular among the many hits (Bad Boys, The Rock).

I will start with the very few positive points that I walked away with after seeing Transformers. Shia LaBeouf was surprisingly good. He has certainly earned the amount of hype that has all but dubbed him the It Boy of 07. I liked him in Constantine and I, Robot, but was unsure about his ability to carry such an action-packed film. Of course now he’s filming Indiana Jones 4 right now, so he’s well on his way. And the special effects were pretty good…but not jaw-dropping or groundbreaking. Frankly, I was more impressed with The Matrix Reloaded, and that was filmed five years ago.

Overall, Transformers was absolutely formulaic and cheesy (to the point where I was predicting what the characters were about to say and do with great accuracy). I don’t have high expectations for dialogue when it comes to action/adventure films, but this might take the cake and win Worst Script of the Year (which is quite a shame considering that the two screenwriters are Alias alum and are also co-writing J.J. Abrams’ new Star Trek film). Additionally (and I know some filmmakers feel this is a necessary evil with regard to target audience and demographic), there were far too many unnecessary and gratuitous slow-motion shots of female characters. While there is plenty of eye-candy for the ladies (Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson), we certainly don’t see them rolling around the desert sand in their boxer briefs while battling the metallic scorpion.

And honestly, at various points during the movie, I found myself thinking “there’s his John Woo shot” or “that’s straight out of Superman.” From the stereotypical hot-girl-with-jerk-boyfriend-ignores-geek-until-he-saves-her (the wooden Megan Fox) to the funny-sidekick-friend-who-helps-save-the-day (Anthony Anderson, making the best of his brief yet scene-stealing role), I was alternating between covering and rolling my eyes.

You know what would have made Transformers an entirely different and better film? If the Transformers didn’t speak. I know – that would have royally pissed off the dedicated loyalists who have loved them since ’84 (just as making Bumblebee a Camaro rather than a Beetle had the fanboys up in arms).  But the opening narration, speech and delivery from all Autobots and Decepticons was painful.  Look, I like many guilty-pleasure movies and can take schmaltz and cheese in moderation (I was an extra for one season on The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers back in 1994 for crying out loud). But Transformers was dreadful and had me watching the clock and the doors for my escape from the opening sequence.