THE SURGERY CHRONICLES, PT 4: NOTES FROM A DISGRUNTLED BASEBALL FAN


I have been waiting all day to blog, because last night and this morning rank very high on my short list of absolutely miserable moments in life. But who the hell wants to hear about my problems?  I’m even over me.

I can only lay down flat or stand up. Neither option is comfortable, and I am not able to sit and watch TV or movies. So I am BORED.

I’ve been trying to think of highlights from this process thus far. Um…I was able to take a shower today. Oh, and the anti-nausea medicine is finally working. That’s about it.

In other depressing news, the A’s traded their best pitcher today. For prospects. To the Diamondbacks. Beane might as well just throw in the towel, admit that they’re rebuilding and waiting to get marquee players when it’s time to build that new stadium.

And although I was kind of relieved (and surprised) that no current Oakland players were on Mitchell’s extensive steroid report, I just don’t feel like the A’s management have done a damn thing to improve since last season. The stupid Angels got Torii Hunter, and we are down one starting All-Star pitcher.

So that’s all for today, my friends. Tomorrow I plan to save up some energy to yell at the people who are responsible for Golden Globe nominations.

Seriously, thank you all VERY much for the many comments and get well wishes. The one thing I am able to do with ease and often is check my phone for emails and text messages. They are really helping me get through this and I appreciate all of your support.

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THE SURGERY CHRONICLES, PT 3: MEMORIES FROM MY FOG BANK


The last movie I watched before going under the knife was Lucky You. I will watch almost anything from Curtis Hanson (except 8 Mile; no thanks). LOVED LA Confidential and Wonder Boys, enjoyed In Her Shoes.

But here was my reaction after sitting through Lucky You on DVD: “Nothing can happen to me tomorrow, because this cannot be the last film I watch before I die. Yikes.”

So no, I didn’t like it.

And I think I was delusional when I agreed to watch several movies a day during recovery. Because frankly, my eyes are rolling to the back of my head when I attempt to read Entertainment Weekly, so they certainly aren’t capable of focusing on indies and character-driven pieces of cinema.

Oh, and I also found out right before anesthesia that several members of my favorite baseball team have undergone the same procedure, at the same facility. Wow, do I feel like a wuss. Those guys are out there playing professional ball a few weeks after being operated on, and all I want to do is curl up in a corner and throw books at the wall in a wallowing pity party. But I can’t curl up, because I am a stiff beast right now. And I can’t really lift those heavy books either. Like I said, wuss.

See you tomorrow.

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THE SURGERY CHRONICLES, PT 2: HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL


This will be brief, as I have no choice. I am literally standing in my bathroom with the laptop on the counter, because that is the only way I can type.

Long story short, the surgery was a success with only a minor hiccup (warning: minor TMI/gross out detail ahead). The herniated disc bulge was hiding behind a bone that they couldn’t cut through without having to do a fusion. So my surgeon had to perform my surgery by feel only. Yeah, I’m glad I didn’t know that ahead of time.

As a matter of fact, I’m glad I had no idea how miserable I’d be. Because I am. Remember how I said in my last blog that I couldn’t complain? Well, I lied. Because here goes.

a) I had an allergic reaction to the pre-surgery antibiotic coursing through my veins.
b) I am allergic to sulfa, which is a main ingredient in Benadryl, which is how they treat allergic reactions to such antibiotics.
c) So they spent a nice chunk of time on the phone with doctors, researching an alternative. Which they found…eventually.
d) In my life, I have never been more uncomfortable. The pressure on my spine right now is making me a little bat-sh*t crazy. The lovely drugs aren’t much of a help, sadly.
e) Getting into and out of bed, I turn into my own little exorcist version of Linda Blair. My head really wants to spin on its axis and scream bloody murder, but instead I just suck it up and make do. Because I’m not that tough, but I’m sure trying to be.

The only good news (at least to a twisted little pop culture soul like myself) is that today provided two hot topics for me to blog about in the very near future: the Golden Globe nominees and the MLB Mitchell Steroid Report. Now that is good times.

So I’m off to recite all curse words in the English language as I attempt to nap. I promise that future entries will contain a tad more humor and positivity.

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THE SURGERY CHRONICLES, PT 1: PRE-OP


I have tried not to make this a blog about me. I enjoy writing about pop culture more than almost anything, besides watching and listening to it. Apparently it’s time to make an exception.

On Wednesday, I am undergoing spinal surgery (a microdiscectomy) to remove herniated disc material in my lower back. For the past year and a half, I have been dealing with serious discomfort, physical therapy and occasional steroid epidural shots. I am 34 years old but increasingly look like a 70 old man after attempting to exercise, dance, drive or stand up or longer than two hours.

Of course my healthy/homeopathic/holistic friends are strongly against surgery, but I’ve explained that acupuncture and other alternative methods are only temporary fixes. I need my life back.

So tonight I had my ‘prison meal,’ my last big dinner and homemade goodness before the big day. Tomorrow night I have to eat early and less, as I have to be at the hospital at 6am on Wednesday morning. 

Several people are asking how I feel. One part of me is typically tightly wound and neurotic, filled with worst-case-scenarios and fear. The other part is surprisingly zen, at peace and ready to go.  

Normally I research the hell out of everything. But knowing that slight panic and overreaction are always little demons on my horizon, I decided against reading too much about what I’m about to endure. People that I’ve talked to that have had the same surgery have nothing but positive results to report. After spending two hours signing stacks of papers for pre-op, however, I found out that this is a much bigger deal than I’d imagined (or wanted to). First of all, it is a two and half hour procedure. Second, the incision and scar will not be small. But frankly, I haven’t donned a bikini in twenty years, so that is not much of a concern.

Perhaps it is the anxiety and anticipation, or perhaps just the timing. I have been unusually sentimental lately, reflecting back on a pretty amazing year…

The Sundance Film Festival. Celebrating ten years with the love of my life at a beautiful winery surrounded  by 100 friends and family. A week cruising the unbelievably stunning coast of Alaska. Writing and posting an angry letter about a show, pissing off an actor, and getting a mention in USA Today. Watching my good friend Matt sell out and absolutely rock The Fillmore, accompanied by a custom poster created just for that show. Having the opportunity to interview both an inspiring TV writer and a damn funny stand up comedienne. So I can’t complain. At all.

Anyway, my
goal is to blog as much as possible during recovery. Because it is
comforting and familiar. And because that huge stack of rented DVDs
will only keep me company for so long. So my next post should be on
Thursday, after I return home from the hospital. I have no idea what
condition or state I will be in, but I will do my best to keep this site updated.


As they administer the anesthesia, I will be dreaming about waking up to my copy of Lost, The Complete Third Season on DVD (it comes out tomorrow; it was nice of them to schedule the release around me).

So stay tuned…if you’re interested. This might be a very entertaining journey to follow.

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THE BEST & WORST OF 2007…IN MY (J)OPINION


I will be the first to admit that I did not see very many quality films this year, and because of my back, I will not be able to actually go out to the movies again until early 2008. However, I watched more than my share of television, so here are my selections for the best and worst of the big and small screen in ’07.

MOVIES

BEST FILMS/PERFORMANCES
American Gangster
Into the Wild
Knocked Up
Michael Clayton
A Mighty Heart
Once
The Simpsons Movie
Waitress

MUST-SEE A.S.A.P.
Atonement
Charlie Wilson’s War
Juno

No Country For Old Men
Sweeney Todd

OVERHYPED and/or DISAPPOINTING
Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead
Eastern Promises
Superbad
Transformers
Year of the Dog

TV

BEST NEW SHOWS
Damages (FX)
Flight of the Conchords (HBO)
Life (NBC)
Mad Men (AMC)
Private Practice (ABC)
Pushing Daisies (ABC)
The Riches (FX)

BEST RETURNING SHOWS
30 Rock (NBC)
Bones (FOX)
Brothers and Sisters (ABC)
Dexter (Showtime)
Entourage (HBO)
Friday Night Lights (NBC)
Lost (ABC)
The Office (NBC)
Top Chef (Bravo)
Ugly Betty (ABC)
Weeds (Showtime)

GUILTY PLEASURES BUT NO SEASON PASS
Desperate Housewives (ABC)
Dirt (FX)
Men in Trees (ABC)
My Name is Earl (NBC)

ON THE FENCE
Chuck (NBC)
Samantha Who (ABC)

MOST DISAPPOINTING NEW SERIES
Back to You (FOX)
Big Shots (ABC)
Cane (CBS)
Bionic Woman (NBC)
John From Cincinnati (HBO)
Tell Me You Love Me (HBO)

MOST DISAPPOINTING RETURNING SERIES
Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)
Heroes (NBC)
The L Word (Showtime)
Rescue Me (FX)

R.I.P.
Six Degrees (ABC)
The Sopranos (HBO)
Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip (NBC)

LOOKING FORWARD TO 2008

Films (all of which make me seem like SUCH a guy and giant nerd)
Cloverfield
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Iron Man
Speed Racer
Star Trek
The X-Files 2

Television
Cashmere Mafia (ABC)
Eli Stone (ABC)
Lost, Season 4 (ABC)
The Sarah Connor Chronicles (FOX)
Swingtown (CBS)

So, fellow couch critics, let me know what you loved in 2007 and look forward to next year…

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THE FBI GETS PIMPED: INTERESTING CASTING FOR NEW X-FILES MOVIE


I should be at the movies right now, watching a preview of the one film I have been looking forward to all year (Juno). But it’s pouring rain outside. And I am not allowed to get sick before minor surgery next week. So I sit am sitting here instead, dry and pouting.

In other more relevant and exciting news, the cast is coming together for the new X-Files movie, which is scheduled for release in July of 2008. David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson will be joined by Amanda Peet, Billy Connolly and rapper/Pimp My Ride host Xzibit. Seriously. Ok, I’ll give him more credit. He was in Derailed, 8 Mile and Gridiron Gang, among others, so this won’t be his first big screen gig.

There is also a rumor that former Deadwood sheriff Timothy Olyphant has a role in the film, and judging from his recent appearances in Hitman and Live Free or Die Hard, I’d venture to guess that he won’t be playing good cop for the FBI.

Although the new X-Files movie was scheduled to begin filming next week, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that the start date has been postponed due to the Writer’s Strike. The X-Files is in my Top 4 Favorite Television Shows of All Time (along with Six Feet Under, Lost and Deadwood), and I will be there on opening day for this next installment, just as I was when the first film came out in 1998. In the meantime, the unbelievably loaded 61-disc DVD box set of the entire series tops my wish list this Christmas. That was not a typo; there are 61 DVDs of episodes and extras from all 9 seasons, all for less than $250 on Amazon! However…

Dear Santa,

I am conflicted. As much as I would love to find this lovely box of sci-fi under my tree in a few weeks, the 45 brilliant men and women who wrote all 202 episodes of The X-Files will only receive a combined $8.08 in residuals per box set sold. As you know, right now those very people are on strike to receive an additional $.04 per DVD sold. And I support them every step of the way. So as much as I really, really, really want to add this phenomenal set to my collection, I will wait until the strike terms have been resolved and the scribes receive their just due. I guess you can put it on the shelf for me until next year. Thanks, daddy xmas.

Your patient friend,

- Jo

p.s. I’m actually Jewish, but I celebrate your holiday and love bacon. So there’s that.

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